Ladies Walk the Line!!!
Assertive/Aggressive – all in the eyes of the beholder

By Bevv Beirl

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” the nice gentleman asks the little girl. “I want to be a business woman with a brief case that travels to exciting cities, goes to important meetings and makes lots of money,” answers the little girl. What a wonderful dream and declaration! Someone better tell her she will have to also learn how to walk a tight rope.

Have you ever thought or verbalized things like, “He’s a competent, assertive and bright businessman” or “He may not be the most personable person to work with, but he sure gets things done and I admire that.” How about, “She’s too aggressive” or “She’s difficult to work with and I don’t like her aggressive attitude.” Here in lies a huge dilemma, in fact one of the biggest challenges most businesswomen deal with on a day to day basis, whether spoken or not.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, assertive and aggressive are synonyms, having closely related and sometime identical meanings. And yet one usually thinks of aggressive as a pejorative term when describing a person.

Fathers are usually very proud of the daughter who studies hard, acquires professional or business recognition and can financially, emotionally and physically take care of herself. And yet some of those same fathers will look at someone else’s daughter who has accomplished the same status with the same disposition and think of that young woman as aggressive and distasteful. Why is that?

Many times the label we assign another reveals more about us than about the person we are describing. It’s very typical for a person low in self-esteem or confidence to feel threatened by someone who is surer of themselves. The lack of self-esteem can manifest as arrogance, being judgmental or critical and many times, the need to control. That is a realization that very few judgmental types will embrace let alone admit and decide to remedy.

What about the target (lady) of the judgment (aggressiveness)? We’ve been told by many personal development gurus, sales trainers, and even psychologists that, like it not, someone’s perception of you is your reality. So if you are perceived as aggressive and you are getting that kind of feedback, it’s your responsibility to turn that around. Who said life was fair?

As I write this article, I’m weighting every word as, I, like most business women have from time to time been labeled aggressive. I’ve also been labeled as a mover and shaker, catalyst and leader, all of which makes my husband, male partners and many male friends very proud. My father is surly watching from the other side saying “that’s my gal”.

There are many, many Bay Area women who are thought of as successful business women. I would wager that all of them have had to suffer the “slings and arrows” of misplaced and judgmental remarks about their business behavior. If you are a woman reading this article, how do you perceive yourself? Would you say you are aggressive, are you aggressive but with heart, are you assertive or are you both depending on the situation? If you’re a man reading this article -- of the business women you most respect, how would you describe them?

The good news ladies—it’s getting better and negative perceptions of the assertive businesswoman are beginning to fade. Each generation has it a little easier than the generation before. The tight rope is more tedious to maneuver for the baby boomer than the Gen Y.

And gentlemen, before you pass judgment on the business behavior of a female colleague or associate, ask yourself if you would feel the same way if she were your daughter.

In the meantime ---- smile ladies --- it may be your best self defense. It was one of the most valuable lessons I learned while training for my martial arts black belt.